Skeen
Jurd
Ashley
Maggi(Girlfriend
(Myself.)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Eh.
The road stretched out ahead of them. Weathered, cracked, well traveled and experienced, it stretched for miles in either direction, with not a soul in sight. Along it's edges, fields of golden wheat stood in place. Blowing in the wind, their stalks defiant in their stance, but too cowardly to hitch a ride on the wind like it's friend the Dandelion, (who coincidentally left in order to avoid the ridicule he sustained at the hands of peers over his name). The sun swam by lazily allowing the waves of clouds to wash over it's head, submerge, surface, submerge, surface, peaking out to take breaths of air, and back down it went.
"What do you suppose that sun does when it's behind them clouds, Frank?"
"I'm not too sure. Probably has someone bigger to report to, ya know? Maybe when them clouds cover it up like that, sun's tell the rest of world how we live, what we're like."
"You really think so?"
"Nah, I can't say for sure, who can. Try and keep up will you?"
"Sorry."
--------to be continued maybe?
"What do you suppose that sun does when it's behind them clouds, Frank?"
"I'm not too sure. Probably has someone bigger to report to, ya know? Maybe when them clouds cover it up like that, sun's tell the rest of world how we live, what we're like."
"You really think so?"
"Nah, I can't say for sure, who can. Try and keep up will you?"
"Sorry."
--------to be continued maybe?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Odd Couple
"If you don't stop staring at me like that, I'm going to leave." She said
"Staring at you like what? I'm not looking any sort of way." He said
He was of course lying, for he'd been gazing at her (unknowingly) for the better part of ten minutes, trying to figure it out. What made her to attractive to him? Was it her lips? Couldn't be, they were so thin, she had once mentioned she was jealous of the turtles at the lake for even their lips were more voluptuous than her own. Maybe it was her eyes, those two wide slices of lemons, spaced too close to one another, always dripping with lemon juice. No, he knew for a fact that was not it, because he hated how they streamed. It had to be her nose then, the way it sloped perfectly down her face, upturned a slightly at it's end, a ski ramp for those little drops of citrus to brave enough to explore new territory.
No, it was none of these things, her appearance was neither enamoring, nor repulsive, they just existed. Her features didn't beckon, they did not beg and plead to be recognized. They sat comfortably on her round face, dormant, indifferent to their surroundings, and he loved her for that. There were not any features for him to dote on, for him to kiss, but it was all there, whatever "it" might be. How many other men had been plucked from orbits to trapt in hers? Leaving behind they're beautiful, respectable, blossoming planets, to take out litter from a small box, never once questioning what had made them change their trajectory and align themselves with those lemon drop eyes. He didn't know, and never cared to know.
"You want to go to a movie?" he said
"No." she replied
"We could go get coffee."
"We have coffee in the cupboard."
"The t.v. said it's supposed to be beautiful outside, we could go for a walk."
"They say that every day, it's too cold."
"Well, shit, I'm out of ideas then..."
"Why don't you go get your coffee, walk to a theater, and see a movie?"
How he loved her. He grabbed his coat off the back of the couch, kissed the top of her hair, and headed out the door:
"I'll see you in a few hours, alright?"
Silence.
He opened the door, allowing the innards of the city to come spilling into their home.Rustling leaves, dog leashes jingling, indecipherable chatter, all pooling around his feet, allowing his shoes to lap it all.
"Hey!" she called as he was halfway out the door."Stay away from any chocolate while you're out, you know how it upsets your stomach."
She gave a faint smile and he was out the door.
"Staring at you like what? I'm not looking any sort of way." He said
He was of course lying, for he'd been gazing at her (unknowingly) for the better part of ten minutes, trying to figure it out. What made her to attractive to him? Was it her lips? Couldn't be, they were so thin, she had once mentioned she was jealous of the turtles at the lake for even their lips were more voluptuous than her own. Maybe it was her eyes, those two wide slices of lemons, spaced too close to one another, always dripping with lemon juice. No, he knew for a fact that was not it, because he hated how they streamed. It had to be her nose then, the way it sloped perfectly down her face, upturned a slightly at it's end, a ski ramp for those little drops of citrus to brave enough to explore new territory.
No, it was none of these things, her appearance was neither enamoring, nor repulsive, they just existed. Her features didn't beckon, they did not beg and plead to be recognized. They sat comfortably on her round face, dormant, indifferent to their surroundings, and he loved her for that. There were not any features for him to dote on, for him to kiss, but it was all there, whatever "it" might be. How many other men had been plucked from orbits to trapt in hers? Leaving behind they're beautiful, respectable, blossoming planets, to take out litter from a small box, never once questioning what had made them change their trajectory and align themselves with those lemon drop eyes. He didn't know, and never cared to know.
"You want to go to a movie?" he said
"No." she replied
"We could go get coffee."
"We have coffee in the cupboard."
"The t.v. said it's supposed to be beautiful outside, we could go for a walk."
"They say that every day, it's too cold."
"Well, shit, I'm out of ideas then..."
"Why don't you go get your coffee, walk to a theater, and see a movie?"
How he loved her. He grabbed his coat off the back of the couch, kissed the top of her hair, and headed out the door:
"I'll see you in a few hours, alright?"
Silence.
He opened the door, allowing the innards of the city to come spilling into their home.Rustling leaves, dog leashes jingling, indecipherable chatter, all pooling around his feet, allowing his shoes to lap it all.
"Hey!" she called as he was halfway out the door."Stay away from any chocolate while you're out, you know how it upsets your stomach."
She gave a faint smile and he was out the door.
Monday, September 21, 2009
That blank canvas is just mocking me
I've had writers block for I don't know how long now, it's making me severely question whether or not I have any musical talents. I feel like I could write anything else but lyrics write now, but the itch is still there to create something. I get a couple lines of something I really like, but then that's it, ideas flash and all I get is brief glimpse of them and then they're gone again, and all I'm left with is a picture of something scurrying across the lens. I want to do music so badly, I feel I have potential to excel in some sort of creative medium, but I don't know how to unlock it. The desire is there, I just don't know how to access it, which makes it even more frustrating, I'm too left brained. My brain's retarded. I used to be fairly prolific when it came to song writing, there was a span of a couple months where I was just churning them out, I wonder if it has to do with the fact I've just had so much free time not having a job, that I've got nothing to be inspired from. Every day's the same pretty much and I don't know what to do to fill that gap. I mean I've still got a pretty decent amount of music, but no lyrics.
-
Who taught you to keep your eyes to the ground
When you're getting talked down to?
Don't you miss having thoughts of your own?
Don't you miss being happy all alone?
-
You said "Just take my hand, we could travel the world,
Leave it all behind and see what's in store."
But you know, it's not me, you're thinking of
And soon you'll see
You say what you want me to say
But those words aren't mine
-
You wanna know where our love has gone
I can't promise you I'll speak the truth
These spaces get so tight
That I feel I can't go on
Ain't nothin you gonna say, girl, to make me right.
-
You call me up on the telephone
To let me know how you're doing on your own
I thought you could tell by the straining in my voice
That it was a call I would've never cared to have known.
You say you're tired of your words on deaf ears
Tell me why you feel the need to keep me here.
You say you're tired of these unrequited loves
So now you're looking for your answers from above
Oh you got me tired
Got me tired of wasting my time
Now I'm telling my secrets to county store patrons
Looking for some sort of outside perspective or explanation
But all I receive from them are broken stares
Got to keep moving, rushing, pushing,
Can't spare the time
Oh you know I'm tired
Tired of wasting my time.
-
I left my baby in the doorway
Waving good-bye with tears in her eyes
Now don't tell me that you love me,
Don't tell me that you care
'Cause she had them wondering eyes,
And a cold cold heart,
One thing I can tell ya
She sure played the part
Now don't you tell me that you love me
Don't tell me that you care.
-
See, these are all just so sparse, and none of them are very good, I like the music that goes along with them though, but my brain just stops thinking about what comes afterward.
-
Who taught you to keep your eyes to the ground
When you're getting talked down to?
Don't you miss having thoughts of your own?
Don't you miss being happy all alone?
-
You said "Just take my hand, we could travel the world,
Leave it all behind and see what's in store."
But you know, it's not me, you're thinking of
And soon you'll see
You say what you want me to say
But those words aren't mine
-
You wanna know where our love has gone
I can't promise you I'll speak the truth
These spaces get so tight
That I feel I can't go on
Ain't nothin you gonna say, girl, to make me right.
-
You call me up on the telephone
To let me know how you're doing on your own
I thought you could tell by the straining in my voice
That it was a call I would've never cared to have known.
You say you're tired of your words on deaf ears
Tell me why you feel the need to keep me here.
You say you're tired of these unrequited loves
So now you're looking for your answers from above
Oh you got me tired
Got me tired of wasting my time
Now I'm telling my secrets to county store patrons
Looking for some sort of outside perspective or explanation
But all I receive from them are broken stares
Got to keep moving, rushing, pushing,
Can't spare the time
Oh you know I'm tired
Tired of wasting my time.
-
I left my baby in the doorway
Waving good-bye with tears in her eyes
Now don't tell me that you love me,
Don't tell me that you care
'Cause she had them wondering eyes,
And a cold cold heart,
One thing I can tell ya
She sure played the part
Now don't you tell me that you love me
Don't tell me that you care.
-
See, these are all just so sparse, and none of them are very good, I like the music that goes along with them though, but my brain just stops thinking about what comes afterward.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I tried to make it Sunday
...But I got so damned depressed.
I would like to think of myself as a fairly put together person*. But I am FAR from perfect, which means every so often I get a bit discouraged with myself, perhaps insecure, but I really dislike that being a word to describe me. During those times, I, like every person, would some words of encouragement or uplifting. I'm not talking ego feeding or anything like that, just someone to be like "Oh it's ok, you're fine, etc etc." Today was one of those days and I received nothing of the sort, it was like pulling teeth. Hey, I'm a selfish guy at times so when I come to someone with such things I would expect something in return, and not even that, but I try to do it for other people I know. Today was lame and it just kept getting worse. I guess I'm "Butt-Hurt" (which is a fucking disgusting word by the way) that when I asked two people I'm close to wit what they were doing tonight, they were both doing the same thing and neither of them said "Hey you should come." One being my "best friend" the other being my girlfriend. And actually, the latter of the two actually invited me some time later. Issues that bring about these insecurities seemed to mount up all afternoon and all night, and they are so trivial (I hope) that they may not even be worth mentioning, but when issues aren't settled regarding me feelings, they tend to fester. I've got quite the imagnination, an exaggerated one at that, so that's not something that helps in cases like these. One thing that bothers me is how I don't really have a unbiased person I can talk to about these things, so when I'm bothered, I get to keep it to myself and I dislike that quite a bit. Which brings me to another issue. I don't consider Ashley and I best friends and I feel like it's a shameful secret when I tell someone "Oh yeah my best friend..." as if they'll search through all the people I know and confront me with "You're a liar, you guys don't even hang out anymore." People change and paths get diverted so I'm not all that broken up about it. Her and I are so different now, and in terms of goals and what we want from life we have always been different. I suppose I'm just jealous of her and how she's garnered all these new relationships with people, while I'm sitting and judging everything that comes my way hoping that someone will live up to my ridiculous ideals for friendships. When Natasha was dating John (this will sound more like a crush, but don't worry, it's not) I was really psyched because aside from his relationship manners, the guy was really cool. I've had very few friends that would come by and be like "I got you this tea because I was at the gas station and figured you would want some." What?! Who does that?! No one, that's who. This guy got every referance to every thing I ever made be it a quote from a book, a line from a song, a stupid joke about a movie, never once would he just sit and grin a grin of confused entertainment, he would just quote the next line or whatever that followed the one I said, and it ruled. Jake and I do that I suppose, but I don't know. Maybe all this time I have been pointing fingers at people saying they have changed, I'm the one who's doing it, and if that's so, I wonder how far or how much longer these changes will continue to be so prevalent in me. It's just I feel I'm getting older and the more I watch the more I know what I like and what I don't like, very rare is it that I don't want to do something I've never done because it will suck. Most of the time I turn down offers is because I have had the experience not once but multiple times and each time proved to be disappointing. I have done so many things I thought would be horrible to do that actually ended up being really great, and I have also done many things I thought would be fun, but actually they sucked. I'll try something more than once for the sheer fact that everything is off once in a while and maybe I caught this particular activity on one of those times. I'm just tired, I want to skip past everything to see where I'll be, just fast forward life a couple of years. Or maybe find something to pass the time so I wont have to think about everything so much. The other night I was lying in bed and I started thinking about death and I started having trouble breathing and my eyes started to tear up because I am scared to die. There's an uncertainty about life that I just despise, especially given the controversy of an after life. It just scares me that one day I could be here, and the next I'm gone and I might've not made any impact on anything, and it could happen whenever, and that's what scares me the most, especially when I think in terms of family, because god, I love my family so much more than I let on, and I have such a wretched time trying to express this. Anyways, I just got so scared and I couldn't sleep for so long because I just kept thinking about it. I mean people die everyday and you don't think about it because it doesn't effect you, but I don't want to just be a fading memory. I don't want to look forwards to getting married, having a career, having kids, having grandkids, growing old with my wife if all of that isn't going to happen. It just scares me. There have been so many times I have thought to myself "It's whatever, if I die, I was supposed to." but then when I've been put in life threatening situations, I come away shaken and unnerved because shit, I almost stopped existing. What happens to my thoughts, my feelings, my memories? Nothing? Something? I don't like that no one knows. It's such a cliche to be afraid of not knowing. It's so natural and unavoidable, even if science does come up with something to extend my life by 100 years, at the end of those years, that's it. I just feel like I take life for granted, like I wake up everyday assuming I'll be coming home to my bed to sleep and rest for another day, when who knows. No one. I love life too much to be ok with dying. What a horrible depressing entry.
Q: What do you call a black astronaut?
A: An astronaut, why would you call him anything else? Because he's black? You are so racist.
haha
I would like to think of myself as a fairly put together person*. But I am FAR from perfect, which means every so often I get a bit discouraged with myself, perhaps insecure, but I really dislike that being a word to describe me. During those times, I, like every person, would some words of encouragement or uplifting. I'm not talking ego feeding or anything like that, just someone to be like "Oh it's ok, you're fine, etc etc." Today was one of those days and I received nothing of the sort, it was like pulling teeth. Hey, I'm a selfish guy at times so when I come to someone with such things I would expect something in return, and not even that, but I try to do it for other people I know. Today was lame and it just kept getting worse. I guess I'm "Butt-Hurt" (which is a fucking disgusting word by the way) that when I asked two people I'm close to wit what they were doing tonight, they were both doing the same thing and neither of them said "Hey you should come." One being my "best friend" the other being my girlfriend. And actually, the latter of the two actually invited me some time later. Issues that bring about these insecurities seemed to mount up all afternoon and all night, and they are so trivial (I hope) that they may not even be worth mentioning, but when issues aren't settled regarding me feelings, they tend to fester. I've got quite the imagnination, an exaggerated one at that, so that's not something that helps in cases like these. One thing that bothers me is how I don't really have a unbiased person I can talk to about these things, so when I'm bothered, I get to keep it to myself and I dislike that quite a bit. Which brings me to another issue. I don't consider Ashley and I best friends and I feel like it's a shameful secret when I tell someone "Oh yeah my best friend..." as if they'll search through all the people I know and confront me with "You're a liar, you guys don't even hang out anymore." People change and paths get diverted so I'm not all that broken up about it. Her and I are so different now, and in terms of goals and what we want from life we have always been different. I suppose I'm just jealous of her and how she's garnered all these new relationships with people, while I'm sitting and judging everything that comes my way hoping that someone will live up to my ridiculous ideals for friendships. When Natasha was dating John (this will sound more like a crush, but don't worry, it's not) I was really psyched because aside from his relationship manners, the guy was really cool. I've had very few friends that would come by and be like "I got you this tea because I was at the gas station and figured you would want some." What?! Who does that?! No one, that's who. This guy got every referance to every thing I ever made be it a quote from a book, a line from a song, a stupid joke about a movie, never once would he just sit and grin a grin of confused entertainment, he would just quote the next line or whatever that followed the one I said, and it ruled. Jake and I do that I suppose, but I don't know. Maybe all this time I have been pointing fingers at people saying they have changed, I'm the one who's doing it, and if that's so, I wonder how far or how much longer these changes will continue to be so prevalent in me. It's just I feel I'm getting older and the more I watch the more I know what I like and what I don't like, very rare is it that I don't want to do something I've never done because it will suck. Most of the time I turn down offers is because I have had the experience not once but multiple times and each time proved to be disappointing. I have done so many things I thought would be horrible to do that actually ended up being really great, and I have also done many things I thought would be fun, but actually they sucked. I'll try something more than once for the sheer fact that everything is off once in a while and maybe I caught this particular activity on one of those times. I'm just tired, I want to skip past everything to see where I'll be, just fast forward life a couple of years. Or maybe find something to pass the time so I wont have to think about everything so much. The other night I was lying in bed and I started thinking about death and I started having trouble breathing and my eyes started to tear up because I am scared to die. There's an uncertainty about life that I just despise, especially given the controversy of an after life. It just scares me that one day I could be here, and the next I'm gone and I might've not made any impact on anything, and it could happen whenever, and that's what scares me the most, especially when I think in terms of family, because god, I love my family so much more than I let on, and I have such a wretched time trying to express this. Anyways, I just got so scared and I couldn't sleep for so long because I just kept thinking about it. I mean people die everyday and you don't think about it because it doesn't effect you, but I don't want to just be a fading memory. I don't want to look forwards to getting married, having a career, having kids, having grandkids, growing old with my wife if all of that isn't going to happen. It just scares me. There have been so many times I have thought to myself "It's whatever, if I die, I was supposed to." but then when I've been put in life threatening situations, I come away shaken and unnerved because shit, I almost stopped existing. What happens to my thoughts, my feelings, my memories? Nothing? Something? I don't like that no one knows. It's such a cliche to be afraid of not knowing. It's so natural and unavoidable, even if science does come up with something to extend my life by 100 years, at the end of those years, that's it. I just feel like I take life for granted, like I wake up everyday assuming I'll be coming home to my bed to sleep and rest for another day, when who knows. No one. I love life too much to be ok with dying. What a horrible depressing entry.
Q: What do you call a black astronaut?
A: An astronaut, why would you call him anything else? Because he's black? You are so racist.
haha
Sunday, December 7, 2008
It Happens So Quick
How a people can boost your spirits. Anyways...
Marla the Machine
Marla's headed westwards
She's going to be a star
She's traveling with style, hitching rides from bar to bar.
She left her man in Texas her note saying:
"Hope this finds you doing well, it's hard to say I'll miss you,
When I was miserable as hell..."
Marla's a machine
You know she doesn't love a thing
What moves her lips,
And shakes her hips,
Ain't nothing but faulty wiring.
Marla the Machine
Marla's headed westwards
She's going to be a star
She's traveling with style, hitching rides from bar to bar.
She left her man in Texas her note saying:
"Hope this finds you doing well, it's hard to say I'll miss you,
When I was miserable as hell..."
Marla's a machine
You know she doesn't love a thing
What moves her lips,
And shakes her hips,
Ain't nothing but faulty wiring.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Light My Fire
My flame is going out and there doesn't seem to be a thing to do about it. There were always circumstantial things that plagued me constantly, and I assumed they were the cause of my ill feelings. Now, most of those things have worked themselves out and I'm still feeling the same way, I'm not really sure what to make of it. I was always broke, I didn't have a car, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have a well paying job, and now I have all those things but I'm still not satisfied, or I should say happy. I think a partial part of it is because I don't know anyone inspiring. I don't know anyone that does anything with themselves, and it turns out, I'm someone who feeds of off others. I never thought I was someone who needed someone else to do something inspiring in order for me to become active, but it either turns out I am, or that my well is running dry and I have no one to help get me out of this rut. I feel like life has been a rut lately, so routine. There is no spontaneity in it, everything is just written down for me and I do it.
And another thing, I want to meet a group of people, hell just one person that isn't some cliche impractical idealist who is constantly spewing recited and memorized bullshit they saw on a poster outside some of record store or coffee shop window, or on the side of a warehouse graffiti-ed by some other suburban kid, because you know what? I'm so sick of hearing about the government all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about capitalism all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about all your shit it's driving me mad! You're all just one sided ignorant people who have succeeded in reading and comprehension, closed minded and open-mouthed. Congratulations, you're politically aware! What are you doing with that knowledge? Oh, you and your friends are going to a political rally when the keg runs out? For the love of god, please...Can I just go one day...ONE DAY without the following:
Prop 8
Vegan
Vegetarian
Socialism
Capitalism
Sellouts
New bands that sound like old bands
"That's what's up."
"Say man, can I get one of those."
"What's going on tonight?"
" I'd tur that up bra"
" LAST NIGHT WAS SO AWESOME! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! OH GOD I LOVE HIP HOP FUCKING YES!! IT'S THE ONLY MUSIC AS A YOUNG SUBURBANITE KID WITH DIVORCED PARENT, COLLEGE PAID FOR, 08 HYBRID, CAN REALLY TRULY RELATE TO!"
I think whatever muscles I use to hold my tongue is somehow connected to my lower back and that's whats causing all the pressure and stress it's receiving.
This is my life :
Turns out, I'm a pretty angry dude sometimes hahahahaha
And another thing, I want to meet a group of people, hell just one person that isn't some cliche impractical idealist who is constantly spewing recited and memorized bullshit they saw on a poster outside some of record store or coffee shop window, or on the side of a warehouse graffiti-ed by some other suburban kid, because you know what? I'm so sick of hearing about the government all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about capitalism all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about all your shit it's driving me mad! You're all just one sided ignorant people who have succeeded in reading and comprehension, closed minded and open-mouthed. Congratulations, you're politically aware! What are you doing with that knowledge? Oh, you and your friends are going to a political rally when the keg runs out? For the love of god, please...Can I just go one day...ONE DAY without the following:
Prop 8
Vegan
Vegetarian
Socialism
Capitalism
Sellouts
New bands that sound like old bands
"That's what's up."
"Say man, can I get one of those."
"What's going on tonight?"
" I'd tur that up bra"
" LAST NIGHT WAS SO AWESOME! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! OH GOD I LOVE HIP HOP FUCKING YES!! IT'S THE ONLY MUSIC AS A YOUNG SUBURBANITE KID WITH DIVORCED PARENT, COLLEGE PAID FOR, 08 HYBRID, CAN REALLY TRULY RELATE TO!"
I think whatever muscles I use to hold my tongue is somehow connected to my lower back and that's whats causing all the pressure and stress it's receiving.
This is my life :
Turns out, I'm a pretty angry dude sometimes hahahahaha
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