I tried to make it Sunday

...But I got so damned depressed.

I would like to think of myself as a fairly put together person*. But I am FAR from perfect, which means every so often I get a bit discouraged with myself, perhaps insecure, but I really dislike that being a word to describe me. During those times, I, like every person, would some words of encouragement or uplifting. I'm not talking ego feeding or anything like that, just someone to be like "Oh it's ok, you're fine, etc etc." Today was one of those days and I received nothing of the sort, it was like pulling teeth. Hey, I'm a selfish guy at times so when I come to someone with such things I would expect something in return, and not even that, but I try to do it for other people I know. Today was lame and it just kept getting worse. I guess I'm "Butt-Hurt" (which is a fucking disgusting word by the way) that when I asked two people I'm close to wit what they were doing tonight, they were both doing the same thing and neither of them said "Hey you should come." One being my "best friend" the other being my girlfriend. And actually, the latter of the two actually invited me some time later. Issues that bring about these insecurities seemed to mount up all afternoon and all night, and they are so trivial (I hope) that they may not even be worth mentioning, but when issues aren't settled regarding me feelings, they tend to fester. I've got quite the imagnination, an exaggerated one at that, so that's not something that helps in cases like these. One thing that bothers me is how I don't really have a unbiased person I can talk to about these things, so when I'm bothered, I get to keep it to myself and I dislike that quite a bit. Which brings me to another issue. I don't consider Ashley and I best friends and I feel like it's a shameful secret when I tell someone "Oh yeah my best friend..." as if they'll search through all the people I know and confront me with "You're a liar, you guys don't even hang out anymore." People change and paths get diverted so I'm not all that broken up about it. Her and I are so different now, and in terms of goals and what we want from life we have always been different. I suppose I'm just jealous of her and how she's garnered all these new relationships with people, while I'm sitting and judging everything that comes my way hoping that someone will live up to my ridiculous ideals for friendships. When Natasha was dating John (this will sound more like a crush, but don't worry, it's not) I was really psyched because aside from his relationship manners, the guy was really cool. I've had very few friends that would come by and be like "I got you this tea because I was at the gas station and figured you would want some." What?! Who does that?! No one, that's who. This guy got every referance to every thing I ever made be it a quote from a book, a line from a song, a stupid joke about a movie, never once would he just sit and grin a grin of confused entertainment, he would just quote the next line or whatever that followed the one I said, and it ruled. Jake and I do that I suppose, but I don't know. Maybe all this time I have been pointing fingers at people saying they have changed, I'm the one who's doing it, and if that's so, I wonder how far or how much longer these changes will continue to be so prevalent in me. It's just I feel I'm getting older and the more I watch the more I know what I like and what I don't like, very rare is it that I don't want to do something I've never done because it will suck. Most of the time I turn down offers is because I have had the experience not once but multiple times and each time proved to be disappointing. I have done so many things I thought would be horrible to do that actually ended up being really great, and I have also done many things I thought would be fun, but actually they sucked. I'll try something more than once for the sheer fact that everything is off once in a while and maybe I caught this particular activity on one of those times. I'm just tired, I want to skip past everything to see where I'll be, just fast forward life a couple of years. Or maybe find something to pass the time so I wont have to think about everything so much. The other night I was lying in bed and I started thinking about death and I started having trouble breathing and my eyes started to tear up because I am scared to die. There's an uncertainty about life that I just despise, especially given the controversy of an after life. It just scares me that one day I could be here, and the next I'm gone and I might've not made any impact on anything, and it could happen whenever, and that's what scares me the most, especially when I think in terms of family, because god, I love my family so much more than I let on, and I have such a wretched time trying to express this. Anyways, I just got so scared and I couldn't sleep for so long because I just kept thinking about it. I mean people die everyday and you don't think about it because it doesn't effect you, but I don't want to just be a fading memory. I don't want to look forwards to getting married, having a career, having kids, having grandkids, growing old with my wife if all of that isn't going to happen. It just scares me. There have been so many times I have thought to myself "It's whatever, if I die, I was supposed to." but then when I've been put in life threatening situations, I come away shaken and unnerved because shit, I almost stopped existing. What happens to my thoughts, my feelings, my memories? Nothing? Something? I don't like that no one knows. It's such a cliche to be afraid of not knowing. It's so natural and unavoidable, even if science does come up with something to extend my life by 100 years, at the end of those years, that's it. I just feel like I take life for granted, like I wake up everyday assuming I'll be coming home to my bed to sleep and rest for another day, when who knows. No one. I love life too much to be ok with dying. What a horrible depressing entry.

Q: What do you call a black astronaut?
A: An astronaut, why would you call him anything else? Because he's black? You are so racist.

haha