I tried to make it Sunday

...But I got so damned depressed.

I would like to think of myself as a fairly put together person*. But I am FAR from perfect, which means every so often I get a bit discouraged with myself, perhaps insecure, but I really dislike that being a word to describe me. During those times, I, like every person, would some words of encouragement or uplifting. I'm not talking ego feeding or anything like that, just someone to be like "Oh it's ok, you're fine, etc etc." Today was one of those days and I received nothing of the sort, it was like pulling teeth. Hey, I'm a selfish guy at times so when I come to someone with such things I would expect something in return, and not even that, but I try to do it for other people I know. Today was lame and it just kept getting worse. I guess I'm "Butt-Hurt" (which is a fucking disgusting word by the way) that when I asked two people I'm close to wit what they were doing tonight, they were both doing the same thing and neither of them said "Hey you should come." One being my "best friend" the other being my girlfriend. And actually, the latter of the two actually invited me some time later. Issues that bring about these insecurities seemed to mount up all afternoon and all night, and they are so trivial (I hope) that they may not even be worth mentioning, but when issues aren't settled regarding me feelings, they tend to fester. I've got quite the imagnination, an exaggerated one at that, so that's not something that helps in cases like these. One thing that bothers me is how I don't really have a unbiased person I can talk to about these things, so when I'm bothered, I get to keep it to myself and I dislike that quite a bit. Which brings me to another issue. I don't consider Ashley and I best friends and I feel like it's a shameful secret when I tell someone "Oh yeah my best friend..." as if they'll search through all the people I know and confront me with "You're a liar, you guys don't even hang out anymore." People change and paths get diverted so I'm not all that broken up about it. Her and I are so different now, and in terms of goals and what we want from life we have always been different. I suppose I'm just jealous of her and how she's garnered all these new relationships with people, while I'm sitting and judging everything that comes my way hoping that someone will live up to my ridiculous ideals for friendships. When Natasha was dating John (this will sound more like a crush, but don't worry, it's not) I was really psyched because aside from his relationship manners, the guy was really cool. I've had very few friends that would come by and be like "I got you this tea because I was at the gas station and figured you would want some." What?! Who does that?! No one, that's who. This guy got every referance to every thing I ever made be it a quote from a book, a line from a song, a stupid joke about a movie, never once would he just sit and grin a grin of confused entertainment, he would just quote the next line or whatever that followed the one I said, and it ruled. Jake and I do that I suppose, but I don't know. Maybe all this time I have been pointing fingers at people saying they have changed, I'm the one who's doing it, and if that's so, I wonder how far or how much longer these changes will continue to be so prevalent in me. It's just I feel I'm getting older and the more I watch the more I know what I like and what I don't like, very rare is it that I don't want to do something I've never done because it will suck. Most of the time I turn down offers is because I have had the experience not once but multiple times and each time proved to be disappointing. I have done so many things I thought would be horrible to do that actually ended up being really great, and I have also done many things I thought would be fun, but actually they sucked. I'll try something more than once for the sheer fact that everything is off once in a while and maybe I caught this particular activity on one of those times. I'm just tired, I want to skip past everything to see where I'll be, just fast forward life a couple of years. Or maybe find something to pass the time so I wont have to think about everything so much. The other night I was lying in bed and I started thinking about death and I started having trouble breathing and my eyes started to tear up because I am scared to die. There's an uncertainty about life that I just despise, especially given the controversy of an after life. It just scares me that one day I could be here, and the next I'm gone and I might've not made any impact on anything, and it could happen whenever, and that's what scares me the most, especially when I think in terms of family, because god, I love my family so much more than I let on, and I have such a wretched time trying to express this. Anyways, I just got so scared and I couldn't sleep for so long because I just kept thinking about it. I mean people die everyday and you don't think about it because it doesn't effect you, but I don't want to just be a fading memory. I don't want to look forwards to getting married, having a career, having kids, having grandkids, growing old with my wife if all of that isn't going to happen. It just scares me. There have been so many times I have thought to myself "It's whatever, if I die, I was supposed to." but then when I've been put in life threatening situations, I come away shaken and unnerved because shit, I almost stopped existing. What happens to my thoughts, my feelings, my memories? Nothing? Something? I don't like that no one knows. It's such a cliche to be afraid of not knowing. It's so natural and unavoidable, even if science does come up with something to extend my life by 100 years, at the end of those years, that's it. I just feel like I take life for granted, like I wake up everyday assuming I'll be coming home to my bed to sleep and rest for another day, when who knows. No one. I love life too much to be ok with dying. What a horrible depressing entry.

Q: What do you call a black astronaut?
A: An astronaut, why would you call him anything else? Because he's black? You are so racist.

haha

It Happens So Quick

How a people can boost your spirits. Anyways...

Marla the Machine

Marla's headed westwards
She's going to be a star
She's traveling with style, hitching rides from bar to bar.
She left her man in Texas her note saying:

"Hope this finds you doing well, it's hard to say I'll miss you,
When I was miserable as hell..."

Marla's a machine
You know she doesn't love a thing
What moves her lips,
And shakes her hips,
Ain't nothing but faulty wiring.

Light My Fire

My flame is going out and there doesn't seem to be a thing to do about it. There were always circumstantial things that plagued me constantly, and I assumed they were the cause of my ill feelings. Now, most of those things have worked themselves out and I'm still feeling the same way, I'm not really sure what to make of it. I was always broke, I didn't have a car, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have a well paying job, and now I have all those things but I'm still not satisfied, or I should say happy. I think a partial part of it is because I don't know anyone inspiring. I don't know anyone that does anything with themselves, and it turns out, I'm someone who feeds of off others. I never thought I was someone who needed someone else to do something inspiring in order for me to become active, but it either turns out I am, or that my well is running dry and I have no one to help get me out of this rut. I feel like life has been a rut lately, so routine. There is no spontaneity in it, everything is just written down for me and I do it.

And another thing, I want to meet a group of people, hell just one person that isn't some cliche impractical idealist who is constantly spewing recited and memorized bullshit they saw on a poster outside some of record store or coffee shop window, or on the side of a warehouse graffiti-ed by some other suburban kid, because you know what? I'm so sick of hearing about the government all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about capitalism all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about all your shit it's driving me mad! You're all just one sided ignorant people who have succeeded in reading and comprehension, closed minded and open-mouthed. Congratulations, you're politically aware! What are you doing with that knowledge? Oh, you and your friends are going to a political rally when the keg runs out? For the love of god, please...Can I just go one day...ONE DAY without the following:

Prop 8
Vegan
Vegetarian
Socialism
Capitalism
Sellouts
New bands that sound like old bands
"That's what's up."
"Say man, can I get one of those."
"What's going on tonight?"
" I'd tur that up bra"
" LAST NIGHT WAS SO AWESOME! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! OH GOD I LOVE HIP HOP FUCKING YES!! IT'S THE ONLY MUSIC AS A YOUNG SUBURBANITE KID WITH DIVORCED PARENT, COLLEGE PAID FOR, 08 HYBRID, CAN REALLY TRULY RELATE TO!"



I think whatever muscles I use to hold my tongue is somehow connected to my lower back and that's whats causing all the pressure and stress it's receiving.

This is my life :



Turns out, I'm a pretty angry dude sometimes hahahahaha

I hate...

There are people who are few and far between that I love and hold dear, and out of those people, the ones who are living up to their potential are just that, few and far between. I don't like a lot of people, I don't think much of a lot of people, but as I stated, there are a couple that have so much potential (and as cliche as it sounds) that are brought down by societal norms. If there is one thing that I would like to be able to do, one feeling that I would like to invoke in people, it is passion. A passion for anything. If I died tomorrow, at my funeral I would want someone to say:
"One thing that I really admired Aaron for, was his passion for ____."

I just wish I was something or someone that was inspiring for people. If I live my whole life struggling and discontent, if I could reach people through words and speech and make a difference in the lives of the ones I loved, I would be happy. I want so much for the people I love and I'm able to do so little. I want so much from life, but I willing to do so little to obtain it. I see so many qualities in these people that are pure and genuine, but like so many, they are unsure what to do with them, they unsure where to direct their "gifts." I know a lot of people I suppose, and a lot of those people are bullshit:
("I met a grip of people that was bullshit, was down with a lot of people that was bullshit, but I'll pull shit from the asshole of an angel, before I let him strangle the love triangle between me, the mic, and the turntable.")
But the ones I can start of with saying "Oh my friend..." rather than "Oh this guy I party with.." Have so much to offer so many people. If everyone were as genuine and raw as the people I think the world would be so much better. I mean raw in the sense that their emotions are there, they don't try and hide them, they don't pretend, they are who they are and they don't apologize. They will say what they feel to you and not behind your back. I suppose this is a drunk rambling, but oh well. I love the people who I love.

Shellfish and Warren.

Often times I feel I'm immature for no particular reason. Although, I can easily justify every selfish and immature act I commit, which in turn, makes the latter statement false. I would like to believe a few particular...traits, are unjust, but unfortunately, through popular vote and conses, my feelings towards certain issues are warranted. So it goes.

Up Near Arkansas


I was drivin up near Arkansas
With a tune in my head
And a wheel for a drum
It was one of those nights
That you crave during fall
When it happened without warning
Like it was nothing at all.
It was kind of strange,
I'd seen the moon had gone red
You hear what I said?
Yeah, the mood had turned red.

Now I'd read in books
And I'd heard from stories
When the moon goes red
You'd better stray ahead
It means you're luck'd run out
When you travel abroad
Did I say abroad?
I meant Arkansas.

I was drivin up near Arkansas
When I looked in my mirror
And guess who I saw
It was the fuzz, the heat, the boys in blue
They've got a pocket full of tickets and nothing to do.
With their lights flashing and their sirens wailing
I pulled over quick, despite my brakes were failing
I Waited patiently with my wheel for a drum
Turned my head towards the sky
Cursed that moon, because I was done.

That blue coat strolled up beside me there
With a nicely trimmed mustache, like somebody cared
I said"Officer, why you lookin so frightenin?
He said "Quiet down boy, just gimme your license, I'll be back in a sec, after I run your information."
And with that said, I began my hesitation,
Oh no!

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of your car,
you can try and run, but you wont get far,
Seems you've been at large for a little too long
And I feel it's my duty to put you up where
You belong.
If you could step right here so I can see you in the light
I'm gonna give you this paper, so you can sign
Away your rights.
It'd be in your interest if you came without a sound
'Cause since you signed away your rights,
I'd be obliged to put you down."

We got to that jail house so damn fast
I was kind of starting to regret my past
"Number 5 go ahead and step into your cell."
"Sure thing officer, but what is that smell?"
I got shoved into my 8x10 with two other men
Who weren't looking for friends
The looks on their faces said I'd better not squeal
So I made no effort when one stole my meal.

As he sat there staring and eating my bread,
I saw the marks on his face, and the dent in his head
I said "You've had a rough night, as far as I can see."
"2 rough nights, and I'm about to make it 3."
He stood up tall and started approaching me
His lips curled back, showing his missing teeth
I was a good as dead if I didn't act fast
So when he threw his first left
I threw a right and tried to dash.

Guards rushed in to regain some order
I saw him grab one and stomp him in the corner
Taking my cue I tagged the other in blue
Caught him right between the eyes
What was a guy supposed to do?
Jail breaking never felt so right
Until I saw that moon turn red that night.
But the next I travel abroad
I'm going to avoid the hell out of Arkansas

Check the map

Tonight was a good night. Sometimes I spend so much time thinking about how people let me down, that I don't realize I need people. I need their laughter, I need their voices, I need their ears and mouths and eyes, I need them. In terms of the average person my age, I'd say I'm odd in the sense that I'm a bit of a "Societal Camel". I can hang out with people once every couple of weeks and be good for another couple of weeks. So now we start the weeks. It's strange that 9/10 I would rather be wit Jasmin. I heard some celebrity or another...I just remembered haha it was Paris Hilton, but she said something that I thought rang true, it was something more or less like:

"When I was single I was going out a lot, I was partying a lot because I was searching for someone or something. Now that I have someone, I'm not searching anymore, I have found what I was looking for and I don't need to go out to look anymore."

I think I might have worded it better, but it's along the same lines of what she was trying to say. I never partied a lot, but I went out a lot, and I think it was because I was constantly trying to find that thing that would make me happy, constantly trying to find that mixture that where I could just say:
"Hey, this makes me happy every time, when I'm feeling down, I'll do this thing."

And now that I'm with Jasmin I don't feel the need to search anymore because it seems like I have found it. It's like everyone else is doing the same thing every night because it makes them happy, or so it seems it does. But very few of them could just stay home and enjoy themselves or the company they're with. Most of the conversations involve "Let's call so and so." or "What's going on tonight?" and that's not to say we don't suffer the same boredom's that everyone else does, it's just to me, we have one another, and that always will win out against beer pong, The Cool Kids, and yes, even Tom Waits.

I was going somewhere else with this, but now I forget. Oh yes! I had a conversation with Isaac's brother tonight, Shawn I believe?, and it was vaguely about religion and the positive aspects it provides one with. It wasn't about religion per se, but more so how if you completely close yourself off to things you can take from it,then you close your mind off to a bunch of different ideas and knowledge. Whether you are whatever trendy non-christian religion of the week you are, there is still a vast amount you can take from any religion, be it Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism, or whatever, they all preach basic forms of respect, kindness, and love for people. It's not even so much as the basic principles, so much as the way it's written. I have read the bible, I have read many parts of the Qu'uran and each are so eloquently worded that I can't help but feel. Just feel you know? It's strange to read something from so long ago put into a way that makes you think "Yes! That is exactly what I was thinking!" Where you hear something or read something and it strikes something inside of you that just makes you feeeeeeel. It was a really good conversation and it made me feel good to discuss something (again) with someone who was willing to discuss and not just persuade. I love.
Good night.

Planes! Planes! Planes!

1. 
   

This city's going to swallow me whole
If I don't do what I can to please
It's been keeping me chained
Right below my knees
And it doesn't want to see me leave.

I've traveled by buses and trains
I've made it hundreds of miles away,
But when I got my bones down to San Antone
I could hear it calling saying:
"Come on home."

And I'd aim for that windy city,
If the breeze were a little bit stronger
Or maybe blaze a trail down to Oregon
If it'd mean I'd never be back again.

Planes! Planes! Planes!
As far as I can see!
These bustling streets,
Forty hours a week,
I was promised more,
Lord, this ain't for me!

I'm tired of being worked
Down to the bone
I'm don't want to tell folks
This is my home
I don't want to be working
Just to survive
It keeps going this way
I wont see twenty five!

Forget Truth, It Lacks Lyricism

I am strange. I have been exhausted all day, I felt like just laying down on the dirty floor at work today and sleeping.

"Uggghhhh, just walk around me, I'm sleepy."

That's what I would tell everyone.

So last night I went to this pub in Mockingbird Station with Jake, and I forget that I enjoy his company quite a bit. The first couple of minutes with us are always a bit awkward, mainly because it seems like he must impress me with lucrative stories about his adventurous life. So I will quietly sit there with the occasional:

"Ha, that's crazy."
"God, what a dumbass."
"What? Weird."

Then we get into the swing of things and everything goes how I would like it to go. It's strange because him and I drift back and forth with our friendship and every time it happens him and I seem to change, but only a couple of degrees. At the core, our friendship still remains what it is, but something is always a bit different. We experience life on two opposite spectrum's, so we end up having disagreements from time to time, but that's all they are, and that's something I don't mind. It's nice to have two people who cannot agree on something, but still be able to convey their ideas knowing that the other is gaining some perspective. Rather than forcing our opinions down one another(s) throat, we can generally find a mutual meeting point and continue on with the discussion. I've gotten so used to the "I'm right-You're wrong" argument lately, it seems that it's all that is happening now a days. It's boring, exhausting, and neither person comes away with an understanding of the other persons situation.

One thing Jake and I discussed was the classification of music. I hate the classification of music, I think it's pretentious and limiting and elitist. There the four categories of music: Country, Rock,
Blues, and Jazz. That is it, that is all. If you come up to me and list me a bunch of different genres for a band, I will break your nose. When you label music and put it into genres so technical, you are limiting art. When artist, whether they be painters, musicians, sculptors, or trapeze artists, these people are expressing themselves the way it works for them. What is coming out of them, their music, their statues, their paintings, their...somersaults? That is emotion pouring out through action, sound, and words. Art is the personification of emotions, it is limitless and beautiful, and here we sit categorizing every emotion that comes out of them.

Punk Rock
Hardcore
Post Hardcore
Screamo
Goth
Death Metal
Prog Metal
Thrash Metal
Nu-Metal
Rap-Metal
Crust
Avaunt Gard
Noise Rock
Indi Rock
Hip Hop
Rap
Pop
Power Pop
Synth Pop


And that's just the popular ones, it gets so much more in depth, and whether or not you like those genres of music or like any artists from those genres, you limit it. You put sounds glorious sounds into a box and confine it, so that you and only you are able to discuss it with your friends. If you like art, if you like music, you should understand what I'm saying, and I'm sure there is a counter argument to mine, but I'm sticking with mine. Stop limiting art. Do you think The Clash, Bob Dylan, and The Beatles sat around and said things like:

"Hey, that's really good, but it doesn't really fit the kind of sound we have already been working with."

No, the bands that has the most influence were those that did not confine themselves to having one particular sound, they did not scrap stuff that was out of their box. When you label music, you set limits as to what your able to achieve, what you're going to allow yourself to listen to and experience. People who say "Oh I never get into a *genre* phase." it's not a phase, if you love music, you experience it, you open your pores and wait for it to seep in. Every time that musical pipe is passed around you take another hit of it, because you know what, it gets better the more and more you do. There are songs that I don't really find that amazing, but there will be one part that just stands out, even if it's a two second part where a clap comes in, or a guitar makes a weird noise, or the singers voice does something strange, but I will listen to the whole song for that one part, and I'm always happy I did.

It amazes me how the same "Disease" can effect people in completely different ways, Not so much amazes, as much as baffles. It seems like there's a bug going around causing everyone to re-examine their lives, myself included, but at the end of the day we're all still at the same point we were before we started this self-inventory and we're no closer to finding a solution. What's worse is the ups and downs, I often wonder if I'm manic depressive, because the change in attitude is so abrupt I myself am even surprised when it strikes. Things...they just pile up, life is built out of not only financial debt, but what seems like emotional as well. I can take the time to try and get over one situation, only to find that I owe some other emotions to another sector of my life that I had either forgotten about or had just chose to repay at a later time. I'm glad there is no Contentment Collectors because if there were, I would definitely be receiving numerous calls from "Unknown". The way this emotional debt keeps stacking up, the more of a hole I feel like I'm being put in, it's as if I get out of one of them and as I'm standing someone tells me "Hey, we appreciate you dealing with that situation, but there's also this other thing you need to take care of." Then I'm pushed in deeper.

One thing that's annoying me is all the political debates going on everywhere. Radio. Work. Parties. Television. People act as if Obama is going to change the whole world, that in 4-8 years he is magically going to correct 50 years of economical damage and strain that middle class has been enduring. Do you realize we're middle class? Some of us would be even lower than that if we did not still live with our parents. I know if I lived on my own right now I would be on food stamps. It's not to say that because we're middle class we're not knowledgeable about issues, because I think this generation or at least people I know, are very aware of what's happening, but still how can you believe one man is going to revolutionize a system that has been in play for hundreds of years? I'm a pessimist in terms of societal change, I believe people can make the change, but we're all sitting and waiting for someone to make the first step. We're not leaders, we're hopefuls just waiting for the right person to say the right thing so we can all of a sudden grow backbones and say "Man, I've been saying we should do that for years!" Oh yeah? What steps have you taken to ensure this decision would be made? I mean the whole elective process is prime example of it, we find two candidates, listen to them talk for a couple of months, then decide which one of them gets the chance to be a revolutionary. Our whole society casts their votes on someone else to make situations better instead of doing it ourselves. There are plenty of people who are out trying to make a differences, I'm aware of this, but as a whole, our society cannot agree on ANY one cause to fix.

Global Warming-Doesn't exist
Dar fur-Doesn't effect us
Stock Market-I don't have stocks
Gas Prices-Oh well, they'll go up anyways
Abortion-Up to you
Taxes-"The only constants are death and taxes"

Depression? Recession? Oppression?
Anyone up for some PROGRESSION?
Guess we'll just have to see.