I tried to make it Sunday

...But I got so damned depressed.

I would like to think of myself as a fairly put together person*. But I am FAR from perfect, which means every so often I get a bit discouraged with myself, perhaps insecure, but I really dislike that being a word to describe me. During those times, I, like every person, would some words of encouragement or uplifting. I'm not talking ego feeding or anything like that, just someone to be like "Oh it's ok, you're fine, etc etc." Today was one of those days and I received nothing of the sort, it was like pulling teeth. Hey, I'm a selfish guy at times so when I come to someone with such things I would expect something in return, and not even that, but I try to do it for other people I know. Today was lame and it just kept getting worse. I guess I'm "Butt-Hurt" (which is a fucking disgusting word by the way) that when I asked two people I'm close to wit what they were doing tonight, they were both doing the same thing and neither of them said "Hey you should come." One being my "best friend" the other being my girlfriend. And actually, the latter of the two actually invited me some time later. Issues that bring about these insecurities seemed to mount up all afternoon and all night, and they are so trivial (I hope) that they may not even be worth mentioning, but when issues aren't settled regarding me feelings, they tend to fester. I've got quite the imagnination, an exaggerated one at that, so that's not something that helps in cases like these. One thing that bothers me is how I don't really have a unbiased person I can talk to about these things, so when I'm bothered, I get to keep it to myself and I dislike that quite a bit. Which brings me to another issue. I don't consider Ashley and I best friends and I feel like it's a shameful secret when I tell someone "Oh yeah my best friend..." as if they'll search through all the people I know and confront me with "You're a liar, you guys don't even hang out anymore." People change and paths get diverted so I'm not all that broken up about it. Her and I are so different now, and in terms of goals and what we want from life we have always been different. I suppose I'm just jealous of her and how she's garnered all these new relationships with people, while I'm sitting and judging everything that comes my way hoping that someone will live up to my ridiculous ideals for friendships. When Natasha was dating John (this will sound more like a crush, but don't worry, it's not) I was really psyched because aside from his relationship manners, the guy was really cool. I've had very few friends that would come by and be like "I got you this tea because I was at the gas station and figured you would want some." What?! Who does that?! No one, that's who. This guy got every referance to every thing I ever made be it a quote from a book, a line from a song, a stupid joke about a movie, never once would he just sit and grin a grin of confused entertainment, he would just quote the next line or whatever that followed the one I said, and it ruled. Jake and I do that I suppose, but I don't know. Maybe all this time I have been pointing fingers at people saying they have changed, I'm the one who's doing it, and if that's so, I wonder how far or how much longer these changes will continue to be so prevalent in me. It's just I feel I'm getting older and the more I watch the more I know what I like and what I don't like, very rare is it that I don't want to do something I've never done because it will suck. Most of the time I turn down offers is because I have had the experience not once but multiple times and each time proved to be disappointing. I have done so many things I thought would be horrible to do that actually ended up being really great, and I have also done many things I thought would be fun, but actually they sucked. I'll try something more than once for the sheer fact that everything is off once in a while and maybe I caught this particular activity on one of those times. I'm just tired, I want to skip past everything to see where I'll be, just fast forward life a couple of years. Or maybe find something to pass the time so I wont have to think about everything so much. The other night I was lying in bed and I started thinking about death and I started having trouble breathing and my eyes started to tear up because I am scared to die. There's an uncertainty about life that I just despise, especially given the controversy of an after life. It just scares me that one day I could be here, and the next I'm gone and I might've not made any impact on anything, and it could happen whenever, and that's what scares me the most, especially when I think in terms of family, because god, I love my family so much more than I let on, and I have such a wretched time trying to express this. Anyways, I just got so scared and I couldn't sleep for so long because I just kept thinking about it. I mean people die everyday and you don't think about it because it doesn't effect you, but I don't want to just be a fading memory. I don't want to look forwards to getting married, having a career, having kids, having grandkids, growing old with my wife if all of that isn't going to happen. It just scares me. There have been so many times I have thought to myself "It's whatever, if I die, I was supposed to." but then when I've been put in life threatening situations, I come away shaken and unnerved because shit, I almost stopped existing. What happens to my thoughts, my feelings, my memories? Nothing? Something? I don't like that no one knows. It's such a cliche to be afraid of not knowing. It's so natural and unavoidable, even if science does come up with something to extend my life by 100 years, at the end of those years, that's it. I just feel like I take life for granted, like I wake up everyday assuming I'll be coming home to my bed to sleep and rest for another day, when who knows. No one. I love life too much to be ok with dying. What a horrible depressing entry.

Q: What do you call a black astronaut?
A: An astronaut, why would you call him anything else? Because he's black? You are so racist.

haha

It Happens So Quick

How a people can boost your spirits. Anyways...

Marla the Machine

Marla's headed westwards
She's going to be a star
She's traveling with style, hitching rides from bar to bar.
She left her man in Texas her note saying:

"Hope this finds you doing well, it's hard to say I'll miss you,
When I was miserable as hell..."

Marla's a machine
You know she doesn't love a thing
What moves her lips,
And shakes her hips,
Ain't nothing but faulty wiring.

Light My Fire

My flame is going out and there doesn't seem to be a thing to do about it. There were always circumstantial things that plagued me constantly, and I assumed they were the cause of my ill feelings. Now, most of those things have worked themselves out and I'm still feeling the same way, I'm not really sure what to make of it. I was always broke, I didn't have a car, I didn't have a girlfriend, I didn't have a well paying job, and now I have all those things but I'm still not satisfied, or I should say happy. I think a partial part of it is because I don't know anyone inspiring. I don't know anyone that does anything with themselves, and it turns out, I'm someone who feeds of off others. I never thought I was someone who needed someone else to do something inspiring in order for me to become active, but it either turns out I am, or that my well is running dry and I have no one to help get me out of this rut. I feel like life has been a rut lately, so routine. There is no spontaneity in it, everything is just written down for me and I do it.

And another thing, I want to meet a group of people, hell just one person that isn't some cliche impractical idealist who is constantly spewing recited and memorized bullshit they saw on a poster outside some of record store or coffee shop window, or on the side of a warehouse graffiti-ed by some other suburban kid, because you know what? I'm so sick of hearing about the government all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about capitalism all the time, I'm so sick of hearing about all your shit it's driving me mad! You're all just one sided ignorant people who have succeeded in reading and comprehension, closed minded and open-mouthed. Congratulations, you're politically aware! What are you doing with that knowledge? Oh, you and your friends are going to a political rally when the keg runs out? For the love of god, please...Can I just go one day...ONE DAY without the following:

Prop 8
Vegan
Vegetarian
Socialism
Capitalism
Sellouts
New bands that sound like old bands
"That's what's up."
"Say man, can I get one of those."
"What's going on tonight?"
" I'd tur that up bra"
" LAST NIGHT WAS SO AWESOME! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! HIP HOP! OH GOD I LOVE HIP HOP FUCKING YES!! IT'S THE ONLY MUSIC AS A YOUNG SUBURBANITE KID WITH DIVORCED PARENT, COLLEGE PAID FOR, 08 HYBRID, CAN REALLY TRULY RELATE TO!"



I think whatever muscles I use to hold my tongue is somehow connected to my lower back and that's whats causing all the pressure and stress it's receiving.

This is my life :



Turns out, I'm a pretty angry dude sometimes hahahahaha

I hate...

There are people who are few and far between that I love and hold dear, and out of those people, the ones who are living up to their potential are just that, few and far between. I don't like a lot of people, I don't think much of a lot of people, but as I stated, there are a couple that have so much potential (and as cliche as it sounds) that are brought down by societal norms. If there is one thing that I would like to be able to do, one feeling that I would like to invoke in people, it is passion. A passion for anything. If I died tomorrow, at my funeral I would want someone to say:
"One thing that I really admired Aaron for, was his passion for ____."

I just wish I was something or someone that was inspiring for people. If I live my whole life struggling and discontent, if I could reach people through words and speech and make a difference in the lives of the ones I loved, I would be happy. I want so much for the people I love and I'm able to do so little. I want so much from life, but I willing to do so little to obtain it. I see so many qualities in these people that are pure and genuine, but like so many, they are unsure what to do with them, they unsure where to direct their "gifts." I know a lot of people I suppose, and a lot of those people are bullshit:
("I met a grip of people that was bullshit, was down with a lot of people that was bullshit, but I'll pull shit from the asshole of an angel, before I let him strangle the love triangle between me, the mic, and the turntable.")
But the ones I can start of with saying "Oh my friend..." rather than "Oh this guy I party with.." Have so much to offer so many people. If everyone were as genuine and raw as the people I think the world would be so much better. I mean raw in the sense that their emotions are there, they don't try and hide them, they don't pretend, they are who they are and they don't apologize. They will say what they feel to you and not behind your back. I suppose this is a drunk rambling, but oh well. I love the people who I love.